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Just wanted to say things aren't going too great lately. Yesterday I spent all day trying to write a good reply, but when I reread it, I realized it was complete nonsense, something about a castle on the horizon where you have to rescue the princess who gives the whole adventure its purpose, even though most of the journey you just fight cool monsters, wear girly outfits, stare at the tight asses of ninja boys in rubbersuits, flirt with the shark man, spend weeks unlocking every corner of the world for the sake of completion, barely even remembering there's some princess out there waiting to be saved, but still, every time you wonder "why the heck am I doing this for?", there's always that castle on the horizon as the answer...
I swear I spent all day on writing that nonsense to explain how it feels to live without having "a castle on the horizon"... Living without understanding what it's all for, what direction to take... and then in the evening I was like what the heck am I writing?? So I had to delete my reply, then I saw I still had a hundred more comments on my blog...
And I am incredibly grateful because, to be honest, I expected, like, just one comment at most like "don't jump, life is beautiful!"... That's why I wrote that blog, to be honest, I just didn't think anyone would even read it... After my last posts on social platforms, where I got fewer than a hundred views and a couple of likes, I thought the apocalypse had already started and only a few crippled survivors were still trying to view my site via Starlink while circling around the ruins of society in their bulletproof Teslas...
But then... suddenly, in the next 4-5 hours I got almost 20 detailed comments!! Which blew my mind and put me to shame to be honest. And I'm still blown by the amount of opinions I've been receiving on that blog... I've been trying my best to pull myself together and answer them all but got a severe burnout after replying to just a few... And the fact that most of my replies won't even be read anyway was a hard thought.
But I think the most positive aspect is that the post allowed to discover just how many people continue to visit this place. Lately I've been crafting some nice images but thought the site kind of died all of a sudden because of some virtual pandemia and all my work became meaningless anyway...
But on a slightly more positive note, I finally got a delivery with a CO2 meter last evening, something I ordered after stumbling upon a completely random video about how the air quality may impact your life. So I was curious to find out how much CO2 there is in my room since I'm always stuck inside 24/7. Last month I left my home only once... And guess what? It turns out the oxygen quality in my room is almost twice worse than the safety limit!
To think I've spent several decades breathing in toxins, it could account for why I constantly battle brain fog, dizziness and evil spirits. I mean my window is open all the time, but apparently there isn't enough air flow anyway... So I've just installed an air purifier and ordered a more reliable CO2 meter since the first one is just a toy and I'm unsure if it's even accurate. Surely my air can't be as awful as it shows...
I've been leaving the window open as often as possible, but I always close at bedtime as there's always some loud noises outside that wake me up in the middle of the night, and it's really hard to go back to sleep with my stress levels... But the next morning after installing the air purifier, I finally woke up without a foggy head and a dry throat, so it seems to be doing a decent job at CO2 filtering and better airflow. At least I'm making some progress, good ol' me.
Sadly, I'm trapped in a shit hole where the most difficult thing is to simply take a walk outdoors without getting attacked by giant robots or chased by ninja zombies or whatever bullshit is happening in the streets lately, I've not been keeping up much with the exterior realm...
Maybe I'll manage to make it to the nearby forest today though, probably try to chop some wood to craft a better axe to deal with those strange glowing spiders in my closet... I really want my winter jacket, it's going to be too cold soon to go out shirtless. Or maybe I should wait until the spring?
Right now the weather is still good, it'd be nice to get away from this shack even if only for a couple of hours... Oh well, at least the air indoors has become breathable... and I have enough food stocked up for another week.
This morning I finally found my muse in the basement, or let's say what was left of him: just a pile of bones in the dirt, their shape and structure still intact but completely devoid of flesh. Alas, poor bendy creature, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He had bent his back for me a thousand times. And now how abhorred in my imagination it is!
I took the last picture of him before he fell into dust, and I hope that you, dear guest, will appreciate the beauty of this form one last time. Farewell, my friend! Your memory will live on forever in my heart.
The sun is shining outside, the wind is whispering through the leaves, and the birds are singing their sweet songs. It's so peaceful here, like a little paradise on earth – if it weren't for all these damned insects buzzing around my head. I swear they're trying to drive me mad! This buzzing, constant, maddening noise... Like a swarm of tiny flies inside my skull...
But I won't give up, not yet. I... I'll keep... fighting against the... the darkness... that... surrounds me... I... I'll never surrender...
Oh God, it's happening again, those fucking glowing spiders are back! Quick! Hide the camera! They've seen us! Run, run, RUN!!! A
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Hi, Yuni. About CO2 - not a bad purchase! I'll probably buy one for myself too, because I have a CO2 sensor at home, but I don't have a purifier, I don't even know that they exist ) Besides you, by the way, many people are forced to sit locked up at home, including for several years. There is one country where there is a war and if you go outside, you risk being caught. And there is no money for food, because you sit at home without work.
Sometimes it is difficult for me to convert emotions into words so that it sounds harmonious and competent, like something more than "Well, this is fucked up." There were situations when I really empathized with people, felt their pain, but wanting to respond I had a choice, to be sincere but tongue-tied, or more eloquent but less sincere, more forced.
Like a sincere reaction will probably be more like repeating monotonous sighs and swearing (approximately like "oh ... fuck, bro this is fucked up, ufff, complete shit") but it will be more sincere, while trying to express it more competently, I involuntarily switch my attention from the essence of the problem to attempts to correctly format the text. I still sympathize but such a text is not a direct reflection of emotions, but rather a short speech.
Maybe you have something similar, if so then... damn, in many ways it's your guys, be yourself and stick to a schedule that is convenient for you, no need to torture yourself and force yourself to write something, in the end all these comments are for you, because people wanted you to live and continue to create.
Just ways could help :)
It is good you have clear air.
btw if you can go for a walk each day even if only for 20 minutes!
Few weeks later, it was still happening. Random half eaten food he didn't prepare left around, doors open, sink full of dishes he hadn't used, he even noticed his bathroom products were being used, even noticed he would go to brush his teeth, and the brush was already wet! He reviewed all the CCTV footage in painstaking detail - sure enough, no one had entered or left the house except for himself. SO he became convinced he had a ghost living in his house. This went on for months. It got to where he was actually finding post-it notes, NOT in his handwriting, just innocuous things like reminding him of errands he had to run, but had told no one about.
He actually posted on reddit looking for legal advice - he thought maybe his landlord was letting himself in, eating his food, leaving notes around and using his toothbrush. Someone eventually suggested getting an air quality meter. Turns out, he had dangerous levels of carbon monoxide caused by a gas leak. All the weird unexplained things that were going on, actually was just him, but his brain was getting addled so bad from CO poisoning that he was actually just doing all this stuff himself and forgetting. He would make himself a sandwich and just completely forget he had done that. He would brush his teeth and forget, and go to brush again right after. He would shower, but he was sweating so much due to low oxygen he would go take another, and wonder why the shower was still wet and his products had been used. It was all him, high on CO fumes.
So, here's the thing - the amount of CO2 that YOU would be producing by yourself by breathing, is NOT enough to cause bad air quality. Unless you're living in an airtight box, there should be enough air flow, even just through cracks in the doors and windows, to keep the air fresh enough to live safely. There is a good chance your air quality is being affected by some external factor.
A filter (e.g. air-purifyer) takes out a lot of toxins from the rooms air (and thus your lungs), but doesn't replace CO² for O² like a calm walk through nature (well, at least if you`re not an allergician). Please, take your time to slow down. No engine is capable to fire on all cylinders constantly. Been there, done that. Perfection is a neat vision, but by definition it's simply not possible to achieve it. Even for you. Equilibrity, on the other hand...
That guy on the "photo" had some serious knee- and ribcage- problems, maybe that's why he bent himself to death? Maybe the most beautiful way to pass...
Giz199
Thank you for taking steps to feel better, I’m proud of you💖
Find a way.
It's good that you checked the quailty of the air you're breathing indoors.
I always read your replies. It always makes me happy when you do reply to my comments because then I know that you have actually read it.
💕
But YOU are a support for me.
You are a person who is trying to walk with a 500 kilogram weight on your feet and YOU are the weight! Don't worry so much about your psyche, it doesn't help!
But YOU have already helped me more than you think!